Just A Bit Of A Breakdown

Today was a long day. The thing is though, that it wasn't a long day as in I had a ton of stuff to do and I had to cram it all into one day. It was just one of those days when everything hits you all at once.

It started when I got a text from my mom telling me to call her so I did. It turns out that the really nice wedding present they were going to give me wasn't exactly going to work out. See, they were originally going to pay off my car so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. They were going to take over the last 6 months of payments. Well, turns out what we thought were going to be the last 6 payments are not even close to the last ones. We thought I was going to get it paid off in April. Well, the final payment will be in April. Just April of 2015.

That was a huge blow. I was so excited to be done making payments and I was so ready to just be able to enjoy a payment free life. I'd been counting down the months for the past year or so thinking how many more payments I had left. And then to have my parents take over what we thought were the last 6 was such a relief. I don't make much at my job and it was going to be so nice to have extra money laying around for once. But no. I will now be taking the payments back over after April 2013. Another 2 whole years of payments. Which if my timeline goes the way I'd like it to the last payment will be about a month or so before our first child is born.

Then I started thinking about the wedding I have to plan. My parents offered us $3,000 to help out with the wedding and when we found out about my car they said that we could either keep the $3,000 for the wedding or they could put at least that on my car. As nice as that would be and as much help as that would be to me it would benefit us more to use it on the wedding since I don't think that we could save up as much on our own along with what we're going to have to pay ourselves anyway.

So then I started stressing about how $3,000 probably wouldn't even be enough to pay for the freaking venue. I don't know how much his mom and his step-dad are going to contribute and I don't know if his dad and his step-mom are helping at all. And I have no idea how much we'll be able to throw in if any. So I have to start trying to plan a wedding with an unknown budget. I have to find a venue that can hold at least 250 people and that is relatively budget conscious. I have to figure out how much everything else is going to cost, too. Plus I'm the one that will be making almost all of the decisions because my husband will be gone from January to July on a deployment and he really doesn't care too much about all of the little details. So I get to shoulder all the stress and responsibility of making all of the little, tiny decisions that make the whole wedding work.

It would be so nice if the world didn't need money. I'm so sick of worrying about it. It feels like that's all we do these days. Everything in our lives revolves around how much money we have and how much things cost. I wish I could just forget about all of this stuff and just enjoy my life and be happy for a little while without worrying and counting dollars and cents.

It also hit me today that my husband is going to be gone for 6 months soon. He's in training right now and these 3 weeks have been way plenty of time away from him and once he gets back from training I'll have less than a month with him before he leaves for 6 months. I hate not being around him and this little preview of what it'll be like with him gone has sucked enough. I'm sure I'll settle into not having him around after a month or two. And it's not like I'll be by myself anyway. I'll be living with my parents so it won't be so bad.

Anyway, I hope everyone else's day was better than mine.

DBF Makes The Transition To DH

DBF is finally DH! We got engaged on October 26 and we got married October 31! We're finally married! It feels so good.

He was so cute about his proposal and it was a total surprise. He was so sneaky! He even asked my parents for their blessing before asking me to marry him. He really is my knight in shining armor. I can't imagine a better husband and partner in life.

The only problem with this day is my stupid co-worker "not being able to find a babysitter" which really just means that she didn't want to come in. She would rather spend her night with the married man she's seeing. She won't be getting any favors from me for a long, long time. She can't give me the first night of my marriage to spend with my husband. I won't be giving up the nights that I get to spend with DH before he leaves for anything. She'll just have to find someone else to work for her.

But other than that it has been such a wonderful day. Our families got along well at dinner, even his mom and his dad. Some times they have a bit of trouble being in the same room but they were civil. It

It's Been A While

I've been so busy. And also lazy. DH has gone to training but he'll be back in a little over a week but all the preparation for training took up tons of time. Plus getting me all registered in various military data bases and health care systems. And on top of that I've been working what seems like 24/7. Really it's only 5 nights a week but my shift takes up 6 days so I only have one day that's truly free and it's really getting to me.

I don't really have much to write about but I know I've been neglecting my blog lately and I really shouldn't do that. It was intended for a purpose. It was intended for an outlet for me but also as practice to get myself writing on a more regular basis. I need the practice and to learn the discipline of making myself write at least something. Obviously I need a lot more practice. But when DH leaves again I may have a little bit more to say.

A Pointless Trip To The Doctor

The past couple of months I've had some odd things going on with my body. I've already mentioned the pregnancy test. I did take a repeat test a week later and came up with the same result but I've just been experiencing some weird things going on. I know my body pretty well and I feel like this stuff is just not normal and it all started after a certain odd event.

So DBF finally convinced me that I should just call the doctor to see if they could tell me anything over the phone. I ended up not being able to talk to the gynecology department because the actual prescription for my birth control was written by my general practitioner because I'd gotten samples from my gyno and I was visiting my general practitioner anyway and she said she could go ahead and write the prescription. So anyway, I had to ask my questions to a nurse practitioner and she had to call me back because they had to look up the answers to my questions since the nurse and the doctor didn't know the answers off the tops of their heads. She called back and told me she was scheduling me an appointment with gynecology. The first available appointment wasn't with my regular gyno but they acted like the things I was saying weren't normal.

I finally went in this morning after working all night only to have the doctor basically dismiss my concerns. I didn't even get to list all my symptoms before he started edging towards the door to call the nurse back in to be present during the pap smear. I'm just so pissed. How are you supposed to even take a guess as to what's wrong with me or be able to tell me for sure that I'm completely fine and what I'm experiencing is normal if you haven't heard all the symptoms?

I feel like I wasted my morning, when I could have been asleep with DBF, on a completely pointless trip to the doctor's office (that's almost an hour away from my house by the way). I thought being a doctor was about helping people. I think I know when something unusual is going on with my body as I'm the one who lives in it everyday. I never go to the doctor for anything so for me to call about this was kind of a big deal and the treatment I received today just reaffirms why I don't bother going to the doctor. If they're not going to take the 10 minutes it would take to get all my symptoms listed and concerns answered then what is the point of me even going in in the first place?

Just one more reason that when I do get pregnant I won't be going to an OB if I can help it. That's not the kind of care I want to get, especially with my first kid when I have no clue what's normal or what's not. I want to feel like I can ask as many questions as I want and get the kind of attention I feel like every patient should get. Maybe if I'd had my regular gyno things would have been different. Or maybe not but I'm not happy at all with the health care system or at least the system where I go. I'll be glad to be on DBF's insurance so that I can go to a different hospital.

Dog Sitting... Next Time It's A No

Thursday afternoon a friend of ours dropped of their dog. Her boyfriend is in training for a deployment coming up and she took some leave to go see her family while he's gone since most of them have never met her daughter. It's only been 3 days and we're so ready for her to be back. Too bad she's going to be gone a total of 10.

This dog is so cute.

I mean look at him. But he's so awful!

So far he's chewed up a pen, a pencil, G's headphones, and the carpet twice. I get that he's bored and stuff but we have to sleep and go to work and he can't be trusted to roam the house for obvious reasons. He's really well house trained but the chewing is just out of control. I think I'd rather be cleaning up after potty accidents rather than dealing with him chewing. We keep him in his kennel most of the time and I know it's boring and it must suck but I refuse to have to pay our apartment complex for the carpet when we move out or have him chew up our furniture.

I really wanted a dog but I'm actually glad that we didn't get one now. I don't think that we could deal with it right now. We just don't have the time. If we had a yard that they could be out in during the day or at least run around in when they have an over abundance of energy then a dog would be no problem. But we've decided that we're going to look for a rent house next time instead of an apartment anyway so it won't be a problem.

There are just so many upsides to having a house instead of an apartment. One is the yard and having our own outside space. Two is not sharing walls or floors or ceilings with any other people because our schedule is backwards from most people's and people make noise when we're trying to sleep and we have to be really quiet when other people are trying to sleep. And three it'll just be a nice way to really start out our marriage even though it's just about the same as an apartment it'll just feel more like our own place.

DBF and I are about ready to kill this dog. We're just counting down the days until our friend gets back to pick him up.

I Don't Know How They Do It

Just yesterday I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was really nervous and scared out of my mind but also a little bit hopeful. Despite the fact that DBF is about to deploy in a few months and it would be awful timing, there was a traitorous part of me that really wanted me to be pregnant. The test was negative and while everyone was gone today I got in the shower and just cried my eyes out. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard but even thinking about it now makes me want to burst into tears again.

I feel like I've gotten a bit of a glimpse of what it's like for those people trying to get pregnant and coming up with negative tests. I can't imagine going month after month or year after year feeling the way I do right now. I'm so sad for a life that wasn't ever actually there. I'm sad for this image I had of this little person that didn't really exist. I pray that I never have fertility issues. I just don't know how I'd get through it.

Tonight we went out to dinner with a bunch of friends two of whom have babies. One couple has a little boy that's 6 months old and the other couple has a little girl who is 2 months old. The father of the little girl made a comment about how we should have a baby next. I felt like excusing myself from the table and going to cry in the bathroom, but that would have ruined my makeup and that would be hard to explain.

Later on we went to play games at the house of the couple with the little boy. I was trying to get out of coming to work so that we could all hang out longer since both of the guys were headed out to training for a month the day after tomorrow. One of the girls suggested that I use the excuse that I got a false positive on a pregnancy test and the blood test came back negative. Normally, those comments wouldn't have bothered me but today they just about killed me.

One of the worst parts about this is that if I tried to explain it to DBF I don't think he'd get it. I don't think that he would understand why this was so hard for me. It's not like we were trying to get pregnant or anything and now would be such a bad time. The thing is that the part of me that really hoped we were pregnant doesn't give a crap if we were trying or if now isn't a good time. That part of me feels like it failed. Like that one pink line instead of two pink lines was a big fat F on the most important test ever. The part of me that wants to be a mother so bad just feels like a total failure.

I can't even put into words how awful I feel. Crushed hopes just makes it so hard to laugh and pretend to be happy so that I don't have to explain to DBF how upset I really am about not being pregnant. I don't want to make him feel guilty for not wanting kids right now. He hates to see me upset about anything and I don't want to upset him. Right now, I know that I'd upset him because I don't think I could talk about this with him without crying and that would just kill him.

So, I suppose it's time to plaster a smile on my face and act like I'm fine until I'm alone and then I can let myself feel this crushing sadness.

Is It Over Yet?

As you know, DBF's sister and her boyfriend live with us. We will call her DSIL and him G. Now, this is more drama about them.

G is in the Air Force like DBF and while he's stationed where we live he's actually from California. Usually, once a year or so, G goes to visit his family and his friends back home. That's all well and good except for the fact that for some reason once he gets there he can't seem to take a few seconds out of his day to even send DSIL a text or give her a call.

Last year when G went back home he didn't call or text DSIL for a full 2 weeks. This time DSIL made him promise before he left that he would just give her a quick call or text every day. How hard is that, right? The answer is: Apparently way to hard for G. So now DSIL is considering breaking up with G again.

 DBF doesn't even blame her for wanting to break up with G this time. She can be a bit over dramatic most of the time so DBF actually tends to side with G on most things because usually DSIL is overreacting. But this time when she talked to DBF about what was going on he agreed with her reaction. She told me that when DBF agrees with her she knows she has a legitimate reason for leaving.

I know that if it were me or DBF with family far away that we'd be calling each other every day we were gone and texting constantly. It just goes to show how damaged DSIL and G's relationship is. They have way more good days than bad days and even DSIL admits that even with the few good days that it's just not worth it anymore. But I'm waiting to see what happens now because with those 2 you never really know if they're going to decide to keep trying.

I feel bad for DSIL. She's got so much going on right now with work and her ovarian cyst and her relationship with G falling apart. But I think if she can just get rid of one of those stresses she'll be a lot happier. She doesn't have any control over her ovarian cyst so that's kind of has to stay. She has a car to pay off, other bills to pay, and possibly finding a place to live on her own so her job is sort of important. Her relationship with G she has control over, she can just decide that it's too stressful and end it. I for one really hope that she does. I think it'll be good for her but we'll just have to wait and see how things play out.

Is She A Hoarder?!

Yeah, it really looks like I'm a newspaper hoarder. But I promise I'm not! I am in fact, a recycler.

My recycling used to sort of bug DBF. Well, more like he thought I was a bit nuts about it. He used to get about half way to the trash can with a plastic water bottle (when we used to drink lots of bottled water which is bad for you btw) or the expired milk and I'd ask in that girlfriend tone what he thought he was doing. He would look confused for a second and then he'd give me that boyfriend look that says you're being kinda crazy. I'd wash the milk jug out or toss the water bottle under the sink where we keep everything plastic and he'd just shake his head at me.

The other day though, he washed out a milk jug all on his own and put it under the sink for me and he was so proud of it. It was ridiculously touching to me for some reason. I guess it's just because I know that he's not one of those people who thought about recycling before and it's not something he really cares about. Except for the part where it matters to me and he cares about me, so he recycled because he knows that I care about it. He's such a good man.

On another note, I'm so not ready to be driving home facing the sun every morning in a few months.

When DBF leaves again I'll be living with my parents and they live about 45 minutes from where I work so every morning for about 45 minutes I'll be driving right into the sun. I hate driving into the sun. I'm one of those people that has to wear sunglasses even when it's cloudy out which means that that much sun in my eyes is awful. I feel like I'm going blind. I can't see anything and I get those weird after image spots in my eyes, which I also hate.

Also, I'd like to add this picture that I took this morning when DBF and I went to get breakfast. I would just like to ask: WTF?! This is outside of a brand new library just down the street from our apartment. The only thing that has anything to do with a library is the stack of books in it's hands. It's this realistic looking dinosaur... And then they put books in it's hands and Converse sneakers on it's feet. I'm not really sure what they were trying to convey here...

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a lovely day.

Ripped Jeans And Not Letting It Ruin My Day (Much)

So, the awful thing happened. I was just minding my own business, getting dressed to go out to an early dinner with DBF, when I squatted down to get socks from my drawer. My only pair of skinny jeans ripped up the seam in the back. Needless to say, I was pissed and also it just made me feel horrible. The first thing I thought was "I'm so freaking fat! Fat, fat, fatty!" I just wanted to cry.

But DBF was taking me out to dinner and I didn't want to ruin one of the rare days that we get to spend doing something besides going to the gym or sleeping before he leaves for work. Plus, it always puts him in a terrible mood when I get down on myself like that. I definitely didn't want to put him in a bad mood and drag him down with me. I did manage to let it go for the afternoon.

Granted, I can kind of blame it on the pants themselves. You know that really thin, stretchy "jean" material. It kind of feels like jeans but it stretches until you wash it and it immediately shrinks like 4 sizes so you have to re-stretch it out again every time. Yeah, they were made out of that crap and they were clean. So, I did what I usually do and did that really unlady-like squat that you do to get your jeans to fit like they're supposed to. They just ripped.

Next time I buy skinny jeans I'm going to do my best to find them in real denim. I don't even know if they make those anymore, though. I just want my jeans to be made out of denim like in the good ole days. Is that too much to ask?

I was just scanning through blogs, like I do most nights at work, and I came across a post from one of the blogs I read on a semi-regular basis. It was about weight. Not putting so much emphasis on the number and more on finding a good fitness level and a place where you feel good. The post just got me thinking. I love the idea. It's wonderful in theory. In practice, for me, not so much.

DBF is always on me about weighing myself. I do it almost every time I visit my parents. There's a scale in the bathroom my sister and I shared and I have a very hard time resisting the temptation of finding out if I've actually lost anything since I weighed last time. The past few times I have managed to resist but before that I just never shared that I'd weighed again. DBF loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter how much I weigh and he loved me even before I started losing all the fat.

I've managed to lean up a lot in the past 8 or so months that we've been going to the gym. It's been mostly in the past few months though. I was just so out of shape that I basically had no muscles at all and I had to build those up under my fat before I could even begin to lose that stuff. I managed to do it. I just wish it had been faster. Actually, what I really wish is that I hadn't let myself get so out of shape in the first place.

I was a runner in high school. I ran cross country and the middle distances in track. I can't say that I was particularly fast but I was in good shape. And, then I ended up having tendon issues in my left knee that hurt so badly that I couldn't run and I basically got kicked off the team (thanks to my bitchy coach, who only liked you if you were fast anyway). After that my fitness just gradually declined and I took for granted that I could eat anything I wanted at that age and not gain a pound.

I gradually started gaining weight in my very early 20's. At 23 I got pregnant and lost the baby at about 8 weeks. But that 8 weeks of pregnancy really screwed with my hormones and then getting on the pill really did me in. It's just been so hard to get the weight off. I think it's partially to do with the pill and partially due to genetics.

Both of my parents and my extended family all suffer from weight issues of various degrees. Part of it is probably to do with everyone's fitness level. Just a generally unhealthy lot to begin with. But add onto that, that it just seems to run in both sides of our family to be overweight.

I grew up hearing all kinds of talk from the women in my family about diets of one sort or another, how they needed to lose weight, how they'd gained this or that much and how awful it was to be fat. My mother was particularly bad. She used to weigh about 107 to 110 when she met my dad and stayed that way until they decided to have kids. My mother gained weight with me that she never managed to lose, then she had my sister and never managed to lose that weight either. After that I suspect that she felt bad and ate her emotions and made the situation worse. Not to mention the fact that my father can be and ass about weight despite the fact that he's just as overweight as she is.

It just got drilled into my head as a kid to not let myself get fat. My mother was always weighing herself and obsessing about it. So, naturally I picked up on that and I can't seem to quite make myself not care about the number on the scale.

I want to not care. I want to just care about my fitness and my health and feeling good. I don't want to have to resist the temptation of weighing in every time I go into that bathroom. I want to just get down to a comfortable size and be able to wear my old favorite jeans again.

I'm really trying to care a little less. Some days I'm getting pretty good at it. Some days, like today, no matter how hard I try, I still feel like a fat, fat, fatty.

The blogger who wrote that post sort of challenged her readers to give up every woman's well guarded secret, her weight. The real number. So, here it is:

My name is Jessica and I weigh 178 pounds.

Drama, Drama,DRAMA!

Oh, geez. Where to even start! My future sister-in-law and her boyfriend almost broke up this week. Plus, she was back in the ER for pain from an ovarian cyst. I of course, was the one who took her to the ER and waited 5 hours. Then, I spent another few hours comforting her while she freaked out about their possible breakup.

I'm so ready for them to move out so I can go back to my drama free life. Well, mostly drama free. There's always the military to put some drama into our otherwise drama free life.

I just don't get how they can fight like cats and dogs and breakup and get back together over and over. I just don't have that kind of fight in me I guess. If it's not working and I was fighting with someone all the time I'd just have to end it. I can't maintain that level of stress for a long period of time. After a certain point I just stop caring.

But luckily, my relationship is pretty damn good.

What Would I Do?

I was just reading through a mommy blog and came across a post about a friend of hers who's little boy died last year in a flooded creek. I can't imagine the strength it took her just to get out of bed every day or to see her daughter without her son next to her. It made me so sad to read it. It was just so tragic and heartbreaking and outrageously unfair. But it got me thinking. What would I do if I lost someone?

I've lost people before. I'm down to my grandmother. Both of my grandfathers and my other grandmother have all died. My other grandmother just a year and a half ago. But I knew that it was coming with all of them. One grandfather had lung cancer and was in a coma before my grandmother decided to take him off of life support finally. My other grandfather had a heart attack. My grandmother also died of a heart attack after struggling to get over a previous heart attack. She never did quite get back to full health and after about 6 months she had another one.

The point is that they were old and I knew that it was coming though with my first grandfather to die, I was only 11 or 12 and still foolishly hoped that he'd get better I think. But still, it wasn't a great shock. I mean, I still cried and ranted and railed that it wasn't fair. I hated it but it wasn't something that I was absolutely unprepared for.

What would I do if someone I loved died unexpectedly? What if their lives were just suddenly cut short? How would I handle that?

I honestly hope I never have to answer that. There's that secret part of me that I rarely ever allow to see the light of day that is terrified of DBF getting deployed again. I'm terrified of the things that could potentially happen to him over there. I can't imagine my life without him and the future that looks so bright for us. I'm literally tearing up and sniffling as I write this. I can't imagine not being able to have children with him and seeing him hold our babies for the first time or not having our wedding ceremony. I can't picture my life without him next to me.

How could I possibly make it through that kind of loss? He's my whole world right now and I can't imagine not being able to expand our world and our life together with kids some day that are a perfect mix of him and me. I suppose I'm terrified that I won't have anything to remember him by. No connection or piece of him to hold onto in this world. Maybe that's why I've been having baby fever lately. I want a piece of him to keep with me.

But now it's time to close off that secret part of me that's afraid. I can't go through my life thinking like that. It's the only way to get through a deployment. That part stays in a lock box buried in 20 feet of cement otherwise I'll go insane. And my being worried like that affects his concentration and I refuse to be the wife who saps concentration so selfishly. DBF will probably never hear how scared I am and how worried I am. At least not until he gets back.

I'm going to live my life and try not to buy trouble where there is none and hope that some terrible thing never finds me or mine.

Babies

I wonder if it's because I'm getting older or if more people are having babies lately. There have been 4 babies born this year that I know and a friend from high school is pregnant. Granted one of those is DBF's latest sibling (his mom and step-dad decided to give it a go) but still, that's kind of a lot of babies.

I guess it's probably because I'm getting older, though 2 of those babies were accidents, and people my age are getting married or have been married and are having kids. Some times I look at those tiny, cute little people and I want one. They're just so amazing.

And then I think about all the things I would have to give up in my life. I kind of enjoy being able to do what I want when I want. DBF and I don't get to spend a lot of time together because of work and the time we do get to have can be spent however we feel like it. We don't have to worry about babysitters or nap times.

But even thinking about alone time with DBF and freedom, there's a part of me that really wants to get on this baby thing. I think my biological clock is getting a little worried that I haven't started reproducing yet. I'm only 25 and DBF is going to be 23 in a couple of months and by today's standards that's pretty young for kids. But people around me really need to quit popping out babies. It messes with my willpower.

Does anyone else feel like that? Or is it just me?

I remember now why I sort of put my Nook away for a little while. I was reading books in actual book form, you know, with paper and ink and all that jazz. And then I finished them. I then had nothing else to read so I got out my Nook. So far I've probably spent about $25 in the past 2 or 3 days.

Now, $25 or so really isn't that much money. Until you take into account that it was all spent within a few day period of time and if I'm not careful I could end up spending hundreds in a few weeks. That's the real problem with my Nook.

I love the instant gratification of buying a book and getting to read it about 10 seconds later. The only problem is that I don't even have to get into my wallet and hand my credit card to someone. I tend to pay a little bit better attention to what I'm spending when I have to see them scan my card and look at the total. With my Nook it's just a few dollars here and a few there that add up way faster that you would think. I'm betting I regret getting it out again.

I'm really hoping that I don't have to blog about credit card debt here in the next few weeks.

I'm so glad DBF has a phone that works now. I've really missed getting to text him while he's at work or I'm at work. I enjoy getting nice texts every once in a while just reminding me that he loves me or misses me. Him not having a phone was just not fun.

It seems like every time I wanted to ask DBF to do something or I needed to tell him something, it was when we were apart and he had no phone. I hated not being able to get in contact with him and I'm sure everyone from work was feeling the same thing.

DBF works Security Forces and a cell is definitely a must have to do that kind of work. It's police work most nights for him and it has the potential to be a dangerous job. Also they may need to contact him about something that can't be said over a radio. Or if he happens to get into a situation where something happens to his radio, he needs a way to contact someone. It made me a little nervous with him going out on patrol alone without a cell.

Also, I'm forgetful. Like it's really bad. I can't ever remember to do little things like pick up milk on the way home or wash DBF's gym clothes. For some reason even texting DBF to remind me to do things helps me remember to do them and usually the reminder isn't necessary. Or if DBF was home and I needed to pick up milk  on the way home because he just had the last of it there was no way to tell me. It was all getting to be a little bit annoying.

I never really realized how dependent I was on people having a cell. Having instantaneous contact with someone has become such a big part of daily life these days. It seems so strange to think that people didn't used to be able to just call someone wherever they were. I'm young enough that cell phones were pretty popular when I was at an appropriate age to have one and just got more popular to the point that almost everyone has one. I can't even imagine life without my iPhone and all it's various ways to contact people and entertain me.

I'm just glad he has it back and I get to hear from him a little more when we're apart now.

I hate confrontation. I'm good at arguing but I'm not a really confrontational person. I don't like to start fights and most things I can let roll off my back without having a major affect on me. This thing with my parents has not been one of those things that just rolls right off.

I finally had to tell my mother that she needed to find someone else to talk to about everything that's happening with my dad. She was telling me things I didn't need to know and using my sister as a spy.

Now, it's not like my sister isn't an adult as well, she turned 21 this year, but she's still relatively innocent. She's learned a lot about life in college these past few years but she shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stuff. Hell, I shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stuff! I have no clue what to do in a situation like this but I know a little bit more about dysfunctional relationships that my sister.

I'm just glad that DBF and I don't have any major issues. Actually, we really don't have any issues in our relationship. Deployments are an issue but only because we would much rather be together than apart. Deployments don't make us fight more or anything like that. Mostly, they just make us miss the hell out of each other and that only improves our relationship.

If my parents don't work this out in the next few months this is going to be a very long deployment. I don't know how I'm going to stand being in the same house since I'll be moving back home while DBF is away. I just don't know what the hell to do with my family anymore.

Why are iPhone apps so addicting?! I've been playing this cute little app called DragonVale all day. I seriously can't stop. But I guess that's kind of their whole plan, keep you playing and get you so addicted that you'll actually spend real money to buy fake money for the game. I have actually managed to never spend real money for coins in any app I've ever played but there have been a lot of times when it was pretty tempting.

And now that I've written something for my blog it's back to DragonVale. Have a lovely day everyone!

Don't you just hate being involved in something that really isn't any of your business? And the person asks for advice that you really aren't qualified to give? Well, I do! I hate being involved in other people's problems. I don't like feeling stuck in the middle.

Unfortunately, my mother saw fit to involve me in a very large issue between her and my father. I'm angry at my father for putting my mother through all the things he is and for not appreciating that he has a wonderful wife who would do just about anything for him. And I'm mad at my mother for putting me in the middle of a situation again and for asking me what to do when I'm most assuredly too young to have any idea.

I'm only 25. When it comes to serious relationship issues, I've been through my share I suppose, I just haven't been through any of the kinds of issues that are going on between my parents who have been married for over 30 years. I have absolutely no clue how to deal with any issue that pops up in a relationship that's been going on that long and with all the things that come with shared lives. My longest relationship has been with DBF (may it continue 'til death do us part) and we don't have kids (or even a dog), shared bank accounts, a house, any of that. How in the world am I supposed to know what you should do in any situation that involves being in a relationship longer than I've even been alive?!

And I just lost so much respect for my father in one 30 minute conversation with my mother today. I always knew in a sort of off handed way that my father was selfish and rather immature, but hearing the things my mother told me today has just ruined the image I had of my father. This is the man who was my hero as a child. My dad knew everything, he was always right, I just knew it. Slowly over the years as I grew up and became an adult, not just in years but maturity, I started to see more and more ways that my father was more of a child than I was.

I can even begin to describe the disappointment I feel. I wonder now if parents feel the same sense of shame that we felt as kids when our parents used that dreaded phrase, "I'm so disappointed in you." Would saying that have any effect on the choices he's made and the ones that he's likely to have to make soon? Would it upset him to know that his own daughter feels so disappointed in him at the moment that she wouldn't even be able to look at him?

My mother wanted my sister to come home this weekend from college and I feel bad about not going down to see her and for leaving her to deal with whatever happens but I just couldn't pretend I didn't know what was going on. I also doubt I could be nice to my father at this particular moment. I don't know that I could be around him all day without confronting him. And as my mother told me all of the things that she told me in confidence I can't really go blurting things out to my father without causing more trouble.

Apparently, my parents are going about life as usual though. They went out to see a movie tonight and my sister says they're acting normal. I know that it can't be easy for my mother because I know just how hard she's taking all of this. I know that I couldn't do it. She's a very strong woman, my mother, but eventually my father is going to go that last little bit too far and she'll break. I'm not sure he'd really know what to do without her. After all, when you've been with someone for more that half of your life, how can you truly understand what your life would be completely devoid of their company?

I really hope everyone's day was better that my family's. Sorry for the extremely long post but I feel a little better now.

I have been having crazy heartburn for the last week or so. It's getting annoying! I can't seem to eat anything without getting heartburn. Usually dairy is supposed to help calm it. Well, I ate yogurt just a little bit ago and still, heartburn! I think I may actually have to invest in medication for it. Not like serious medication but Tums or something.

I hate taking any kind of medication. I used to take crazy amounts of Tylenol and over the past year or so I've pretty much stopped taking it at all. Unless I have a massive headache, then I take whatever I can to get rid of it or at least something that's going to knock me out so I can sleep it off.

The only pills I take on a regular basis are my birth control, my multi-vitamin, and my fish oil. DBF likes to say that there's no scientific proof that taking a multi-vitamin helps you in any way but I swear by them. I notice after a few days of not taking them that I sleep worse, I don't have as much energy, I get more headaches.

I'm pretty sure that headaches are the worst thing on the planet. Like, I'd rather have any other ache or pain than a migraine. I'll take cramps, I'll take knee pain, whatever, over a headache. And of course I'm the type of person who can't just get a regular old fashioned headache. I'm the person who is either fine or any headache I have quickly develops into a massive migraine where I basically can't do much of anything but lay in the dark and concentrate on not throwing up.

Well, I'm off work and I'm headed home. I hope everyone has a wonderful day!

You know those awful moods where nothing sounds good? Like if you were hungry nothing sounds good. If you're bored nothing sounds fun or worth doing. You don't really want to talk to anyone because no topic seems worth talking about. I seem to be in that mood right now.

There's not even a reason for me to be in a terrible mood. I don't know if it's because I just didn't sleep well today or if it's one of those "just because" kind of things. It sucks being in bad moods as it is, but it's so much worse when you have no clue why you're in that mood. I just hope that I don't have too many annoying people at work tonight, though so far it looks like it could go either way.

I hope everyone else's night (or day) is going better than mine.

We finally did it! We actually got around to picking out a ring for me! It's so gorgeous and I can't wait to get to wear it. But we're kind of doing things a little bit backwards and I'll get the wedding band before I get the engagement ring but I honestly don't care. I really just want to be married to my best friend already! At least we're actually finally on our way to getting married.

We spent way too much time doing nothing and just talking about it every once in a while and now that it's snuck up on us we are going to have to hurry to get everything done before he deploys. I feel better now that we've actually done something though. DBF is kind of a procrastinator and I never want to seem like a nag, especially about him spending thousands of dollars on a ring for me. It just seems selfish. And so here we are with only a few months left to get everything done.

I think I'm more worried about planning a wedding by myself. He'll be gone and possibly out of contact for a while so I may not even get to ask his opinion on too much of anything. I've never planned a wedding before, or even been part of planning a wedding. It makes me nervous. I really hate not knowing what I'm doing.

I'm one of those people that's naturally good at things and doing something where I have no clue what to do just makes me nervous. And of course, once I'm nervous about it, I tend to get frustrated with it easily. But this is one of those things that I can't really quit doing because I get mad. We really want to have a wedding so that all of our families can be there to see us get married.

My grandmother might not see another wedding for any of her other grandchildren. Not because she's old and dying or something but because one of my cousins is already married and she just went to the courthouse. My younger sister really isn't the type to do the whole big wedding either. And my younger cousin is a guy so he probably won't have a choice someday, but he's still in high school. So I'm kind of the only hope of having a big wedding with the dress and the cake and all that.

DBF seems to be the favorite in his family so of course, every single one of them wants to see him get married. I thing they'll all be sort of disappointed when we actually sign our marriage lisence before he leaves and they don't all get to be there.

I'm not even sure who will be there when we sign the papers. I'm hoping that all of our families can at least come out to dinner with us or something that day. I have no clue how many people they'll let you have at a little ceremony preformed by a judge at the courthouse. It's all so nerve-wracking!

But here's my bridal set!

It'll have another band on top as well but this is the set. We're adding another band because this comes as a set though you can order another wedding band separately but not the engagement ring part. DBF doesn't have very good credit due to AT&T screwing him last deployment by not putting his account in suspension like they were supposed to and sending an almost $2,000 bill to collections. We did try to get it solved but the guy who was going to do it is a total asshole and apparently sent a claim in but didn't follow up so if we do another claim is goes to fraud. But anyway, DBF can't afford to buy the whole set outright right now but he'll be able to after his deployment so he's just going to buy a separate band now so I'll have a ring. I actually like it better with the second band anyway. We just stopped looking after we tried this one on. I guess that's how you know you've found the one.

Why are men so unobservant? Are video games so absorbing that they just don't notice anything else? I find myself wondering how it could be possible that DBF didn't notice that I wasn't awake for work tonight. If I had been the one awake I would have noticed that he wasn't up and around when he should have been.

Needless to say, I was late to work tonight. I have to admit that on the way here I was doing my best not to be mad at DBF. He should have noticed, no matter how absorbing Battle Field is. But really it's my fault that I was late. The last time I had to be at work I woke up before the alarm went off. I usually turn my alarm off when I wake up early because I hate having to listen to it if I don't have to. Usually I turn it back on right after it would normally have gone off. But of course this time I didn't, so it didn't go off tonight when it should have. My fault. But it's always easier to blame someone else.

Now that I'm here I feel like this.

I work at a hotel. That means I deal with people. Working at night means I deal with drunk people. Most of the time I'm pretty patient with drunk people if there's one or two of them. But of course tonight, when I'm already frustrated and pissed, there's a huge group of them in my lobby. And of course, they're having problems with each other. They've been fighting like cats and dogs for the past hour. Alcohol and weddings will do that to people I guess. I'm just praying other guests complain or they just decide to go to bed soon or I swear I'm going to lose it.

For some weird reason I've got the sudden urge to do crafty things. I am an artsy sort of person but it seems to come and go. Lately, it's been coming on again after a pretty long dry spell. I think that part of the reason I started this blog was just to create something, to get some of that creative energy out of my system before I went to Hobby Lobby or Michael's and spent exorbitant amounts of money on craft supplies.

Unfortunately, it would appear that this is not enough to stave off my creativeness and I fear that a trip to Hobby Lobby is inevitable. I just need to make sure I don't go crazy in there. It's just so hard though when I'm in a creative frame of mind. I want to buy every medium they have hanging around in that store. I can't paint worth anything but I get this overwhelming need to purchase paint when I pass that isle. Or I simply must have those oil pastels even though I'm equally as terrible at using them as I am paint.

I have also had this urge to make quilts. My grandmother used to make quilts. Tons and tons of quilts. They were everywhere in her house and all of our houses as well. She loved to give them away at church and to friends and family members. Mind you, some of these quilts could have sold for several hundred dollars but she just loved making them and they would have overwhelmed her house if she hadn't gotten rid of some. The hall closet at my parents house is full of them. And now for some reason I want to take up quilting as well. She seemed to enjoy it.

I have a ton of free time as well as insomnia. Quilting seems like something that would take up a lot of that free time. But I'm trying to resist the urge to go out and buy tons of fabric and a sewing machine with quilting capabilities. You see, they have them on overstock.com for very cheap and it's just so tempting. But I'd hate to spend all that money on something and realize that I just don't have the patience to quilt. Or the space at the moment.

Our house is crowded. Perhaps that's another thing fueling my creative streak. I want to have something that's just mine again. I have no time that's completely my own. I always have to take into account that so-and-so is at home sleeping right now and I have to be quiet. Plus there's just this knowledge that someone else is in the house with you, asleep in their own room or not, you just know you aren't alone. It's become rather oppressive considering that even if DBF and his friend are at work DBF's sister is here and her schedule is opposite of everyone else, so even my nights that were previously filled with TV or cooking or rearranging things, is now full of consideration for the fact that she has to get up and go to work the next day. Not that she has this same amount of consideration for me, but still.

I'm looking at the clock and the first thing I think of is, "well Hobby Lobby is open now." I think I can keep myself from spending tons of money on things I don't need. But there are a few things I do really need to finish a project that's been waiting on glue that I won't be able to find anywhere but a craft store. I think I really am going to have to venture into craft heaven and do my best to come out with money still in my account and only the things I need. We'll see how long I stay in there looking around at all the things I don't need, though.

You know those nights when you just can't sleep for some reason and then you have to get up for work.

And this is what you look like. For 5 minutes. And you just keep rubbing your eyes just because it feels good and it's literally the only thing keeping you from tipping back over and falling asleep again. Yeah.

That has been the past few days for me. It's driving me nuts! I just want to sleep. I love it so much. But for some reason the instant I get home from work in the morning I seem to be wide awake. Yesterday, I cleaned my whole house and did every last shred of laundry. Well, I didn't mop but other than that, I did the whole damn house!

It seems like every time I try to go to bed someone or other is wandering around the house half-slamming doors or watching TV with the volume up too loud. Or doing that thing where they kind of burst through when they open a door. Or it's the damn neighbors and their loud furniture moving noises.

And when I say furniture moving noises, I mean it sounds like they're very careless movers. It sounds like they're picking up really heavy stuff like couches or entertainment centers made of solid wood or something equally heavy, and just dropping it. Right over our bedroom.

Now, I don't know if it's really their fault since the last neighbors seemed to do the same thing. I wonder if it's more their floor and our ceiling not having enough of a sound barrier. Either way though, you'd think that if you had downstairs neighbors that you would at least try to be quiet. Or maybe that's just me.

And this is what I've been trying no to do all night.

I feel like maybe I should invest in some Tylenol PM or something just to knock myself out for a while.

But on a happier note! DBF and I taked about rings yesterday! As in going to look at wedding rings!

We've been talking about getting married from almost the beginning of our relationship (which will hit a year and a half September 6th) and with a deployment coming up the talks have gotten a lot more serious. He deploys again in January of 2013 and our plan was to get married before he deployed again. It seems to have snuck up on us. We only have a little less than 5 months to finally get around to getting married.

We plan on having a wedding ceremony with the reception and everyting once he gets back. But he still has yet to actually ask for my parents' blessing and talk to his family about it. Well, his mom already talks about us getting married but as close as he is to his dad, relationships just aren't something that they just talk about. So now he's got to at least tell his dad what's up before we actually sign the papers. And it would be really nice if our parents all met before we tied the knot. It doesn't seem like a huge list of things to do in approxtimately 4 1/2 months except for the fact that you have to exclude one whole month for the holidays and his training. So we have to find time in 3 1/2 short months to cross all that stuff off the list. Plus the million other little things that we haven't even thought of yet.

Who knew just getting married at the courthouse would be so much trouble?! But it'll all be worth it. Just like planning the whole ceremony mostly without his imput.

Married to my best friend and partner in crime... I think I could live with that for the rest of my life... Yeah, definitely :)

Being at work with nothing to do is bad. All I do is read blogs and look up puppies for sale. I have way too much time on my hands but I guess it gives me plenty of time to research what kind of puppy I want.

Actually, I know exactly what kind of puppy I want. I want an Italian Greyhound.

I mean how cute are they?!

And how cool would this costume be for Halloween?!

I'm really not the dress up my dog type of person but still, you have to admit that it's a pretty awesome costume. But really, I don't approve of people putting tutus and dresses on their dogs. Heck, I don't really even like bows on dogs. I think fur is enough clothes lol. This kind of dog, however, needs clothes. As in they'll get hypothermia if you don't put little blankets on them to go out in the winter time. But they're awesome dogs and they're just so adorable.

No matter how adorable I think they are DBF thinks that they're ugly and they look scared all the time. He'll probably let me have one but I suspect that the first dog we get will be the dog of his choice. Which is fine really because I think they're pretty cute, too. Just not quite as cute as the IG.

DBF wants a Shiba Inu. One of his friends got one and DBF just fell in love with the little guy (whose name is Thor lol).

This is a Shiba Inu puppy. Pretty cute, too eh?

Now, the only real problem with getting a puppy is the fact that at the moment DBF's sister and her boyfriend, who happens to be one of DBF's best friends, are living in our spare room. That's four adult people living in one approximately 800 sq ft apartment. No matter how small these dogs will be (both average around 13 to 15 inches at the shoulder the IG weighs about 10 to 15 lbs and the Shiba about 25 to 30 lbs) there just isn't room for them.

Puppies are like babies. They tend to come with a lot of stuff and when there's no room for that stuff you have a problem. However, I can't just kick them out of our spare room so that I can free up that space for a puppy. If we were having a baby that would be different but dog babies don't count.

Alas.

Alright, what is it about waking up at 5am that never gets better? No matter how much sleep you've gotten the night before, all you want to do when that alarm goes off is just curl up and go back to sleep. And it seems like no matter how many days in a row you have to do it, it never gets easier. It's like the worst time to wake up in the history of EVER.

Why am I waking up at 5am, you ask, if I hate it so much? Well, that would be because DBF has friggin' training. Honestly though, it wouldn't be so bad except that for some weird reason he likes to get up before he actually has to and I have to make sure that he gets up and doesn't just fall back to sleep again. He likes to wake up at least an hour before he has to leave to be anywhere. And no, he doesn't use that time to get ready or anything. He just SITS there and watches YouTube videos or plays a couple of rounds in Battle Field 3. I just don't get that.

Me, on the other hand, I always get up with just enough time to get ready and get out the door. For me that's about half an hour. But if we're going anywhere together I'm always up that extra half an hour, sometimes more. He sleeps like a rock which means I have to be awake for at least 5 minutes to wake him up, which in turn makes me far too awake to go back to sleep for a little bit.

I treasure my sleep. I need lots of it and I'll take as much as I can get. Plus, I don't sleep nearly as hard as DBF. I used to when I was a kid but then again most kids sleep like that. But once I left my teenage years behind I just slept more and more lightly. So here we are now with me waking up for some reason or another every few hours. And of course once I wake up I have to pee.

I just want to enjoy my sleep now while I can get it. Once we decide to have kids in a few years I'm pretty sure I'll never sleep again. They may be cute but they are little, tiny sleep suckers.

Now that I've sat here typing and otherwise barely moving, maybe just maybe, I can go back to bed and enjoy some of that wonderful, peaceful stuff they call sleep. If the upstairs neighbors will refrain from doing what sounds like moving very large fruniture.

Enjoy your day everyone!

Well, I've never written a blog before so this will either be really fun and I'll love it. Or I'll be really bad at it and hate it.

I'm never sure how people know what to write about on these things. It seems like some of these bloggers just know how to be funny and witty, and have wonderfully fun exciting lives. Me, I'm not sure if I'll be able to get my point across the way they do. My life isn't particularly exciting, nor am I particularly witty or funny. I do have my moments, of course, but then again who doesn't. My life is wonderful but I'm not sure about wonderfully fun.

With DBF being in the military we just don't seem to have much time to do wonderfully fun things. Add to that the fact that I work nights just like him but with slightly different hours. He leaves about 3 hours before I do and gets home about 2 hours before me. Which usually means that he's passed out on the couch when I come home and I have to wake him up enough to stumble to bed. We wake up in the middle of the afternoon to head to the gym and I stay up until he has to leave for work. Then I take a nap for a few hours and I head in to my job.

Some weeks are better than others. See, his schedule switches around  every few weeks and we get days off together. I'm glad that we're about to have today off together. It's our first day together after working completely opposite schedules for the past few weeks. I've missed him.

I always seem to get really antsy and worried when I don't get to see him for longer than a few hours a day for even a week. I seem to have it in my head that he'll enjoy his time away from seeing me and he'll suddendly realize that he's too wonderful for me. Now, I know that I'm being crazy. It's just hard sometimes when his job takes up so much of his time and I'm being insecure. Someday I'll get over that. I hope. But for now I'm going to do my best to tamp the worry down and enjoy being with the most wonderful man I've ever met in all my life.

Hmm, I guess that was as good of a first blog as I'm going to get. I'm going to try not to over edit things...