A Pointless Trip To The Doctor

The past couple of months I've had some odd things going on with my body. I've already mentioned the pregnancy test. I did take a repeat test a week later and came up with the same result but I've just been experiencing some weird things going on. I know my body pretty well and I feel like this stuff is just not normal and it all started after a certain odd event.

So DBF finally convinced me that I should just call the doctor to see if they could tell me anything over the phone. I ended up not being able to talk to the gynecology department because the actual prescription for my birth control was written by my general practitioner because I'd gotten samples from my gyno and I was visiting my general practitioner anyway and she said she could go ahead and write the prescription. So anyway, I had to ask my questions to a nurse practitioner and she had to call me back because they had to look up the answers to my questions since the nurse and the doctor didn't know the answers off the tops of their heads. She called back and told me she was scheduling me an appointment with gynecology. The first available appointment wasn't with my regular gyno but they acted like the things I was saying weren't normal.

I finally went in this morning after working all night only to have the doctor basically dismiss my concerns. I didn't even get to list all my symptoms before he started edging towards the door to call the nurse back in to be present during the pap smear. I'm just so pissed. How are you supposed to even take a guess as to what's wrong with me or be able to tell me for sure that I'm completely fine and what I'm experiencing is normal if you haven't heard all the symptoms?

I feel like I wasted my morning, when I could have been asleep with DBF, on a completely pointless trip to the doctor's office (that's almost an hour away from my house by the way). I thought being a doctor was about helping people. I think I know when something unusual is going on with my body as I'm the one who lives in it everyday. I never go to the doctor for anything so for me to call about this was kind of a big deal and the treatment I received today just reaffirms why I don't bother going to the doctor. If they're not going to take the 10 minutes it would take to get all my symptoms listed and concerns answered then what is the point of me even going in in the first place?

Just one more reason that when I do get pregnant I won't be going to an OB if I can help it. That's not the kind of care I want to get, especially with my first kid when I have no clue what's normal or what's not. I want to feel like I can ask as many questions as I want and get the kind of attention I feel like every patient should get. Maybe if I'd had my regular gyno things would have been different. Or maybe not but I'm not happy at all with the health care system or at least the system where I go. I'll be glad to be on DBF's insurance so that I can go to a different hospital.

Dog Sitting... Next Time It's A No

Thursday afternoon a friend of ours dropped of their dog. Her boyfriend is in training for a deployment coming up and she took some leave to go see her family while he's gone since most of them have never met her daughter. It's only been 3 days and we're so ready for her to be back. Too bad she's going to be gone a total of 10.

This dog is so cute.

I mean look at him. But he's so awful!

So far he's chewed up a pen, a pencil, G's headphones, and the carpet twice. I get that he's bored and stuff but we have to sleep and go to work and he can't be trusted to roam the house for obvious reasons. He's really well house trained but the chewing is just out of control. I think I'd rather be cleaning up after potty accidents rather than dealing with him chewing. We keep him in his kennel most of the time and I know it's boring and it must suck but I refuse to have to pay our apartment complex for the carpet when we move out or have him chew up our furniture.

I really wanted a dog but I'm actually glad that we didn't get one now. I don't think that we could deal with it right now. We just don't have the time. If we had a yard that they could be out in during the day or at least run around in when they have an over abundance of energy then a dog would be no problem. But we've decided that we're going to look for a rent house next time instead of an apartment anyway so it won't be a problem.

There are just so many upsides to having a house instead of an apartment. One is the yard and having our own outside space. Two is not sharing walls or floors or ceilings with any other people because our schedule is backwards from most people's and people make noise when we're trying to sleep and we have to be really quiet when other people are trying to sleep. And three it'll just be a nice way to really start out our marriage even though it's just about the same as an apartment it'll just feel more like our own place.

DBF and I are about ready to kill this dog. We're just counting down the days until our friend gets back to pick him up.

I Don't Know How They Do It

Just yesterday I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was really nervous and scared out of my mind but also a little bit hopeful. Despite the fact that DBF is about to deploy in a few months and it would be awful timing, there was a traitorous part of me that really wanted me to be pregnant. The test was negative and while everyone was gone today I got in the shower and just cried my eyes out. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard but even thinking about it now makes me want to burst into tears again.

I feel like I've gotten a bit of a glimpse of what it's like for those people trying to get pregnant and coming up with negative tests. I can't imagine going month after month or year after year feeling the way I do right now. I'm so sad for a life that wasn't ever actually there. I'm sad for this image I had of this little person that didn't really exist. I pray that I never have fertility issues. I just don't know how I'd get through it.

Tonight we went out to dinner with a bunch of friends two of whom have babies. One couple has a little boy that's 6 months old and the other couple has a little girl who is 2 months old. The father of the little girl made a comment about how we should have a baby next. I felt like excusing myself from the table and going to cry in the bathroom, but that would have ruined my makeup and that would be hard to explain.

Later on we went to play games at the house of the couple with the little boy. I was trying to get out of coming to work so that we could all hang out longer since both of the guys were headed out to training for a month the day after tomorrow. One of the girls suggested that I use the excuse that I got a false positive on a pregnancy test and the blood test came back negative. Normally, those comments wouldn't have bothered me but today they just about killed me.

One of the worst parts about this is that if I tried to explain it to DBF I don't think he'd get it. I don't think that he would understand why this was so hard for me. It's not like we were trying to get pregnant or anything and now would be such a bad time. The thing is that the part of me that really hoped we were pregnant doesn't give a crap if we were trying or if now isn't a good time. That part of me feels like it failed. Like that one pink line instead of two pink lines was a big fat F on the most important test ever. The part of me that wants to be a mother so bad just feels like a total failure.

I can't even put into words how awful I feel. Crushed hopes just makes it so hard to laugh and pretend to be happy so that I don't have to explain to DBF how upset I really am about not being pregnant. I don't want to make him feel guilty for not wanting kids right now. He hates to see me upset about anything and I don't want to upset him. Right now, I know that I'd upset him because I don't think I could talk about this with him without crying and that would just kill him.

So, I suppose it's time to plaster a smile on my face and act like I'm fine until I'm alone and then I can let myself feel this crushing sadness.