I'm so incredibly overwhelmed. My marriage is falling apart and I have a baby that will be here in a few months. I just feel like my whole world is falling to pieces. This is so not how I pictured my life unfolding. Even a couple of months ago I would have never seen my life turning into this huge mess.
DH is suffering from severe depression and PTSD from his deployment in Afghanistan a few years ago and it's affected our marriage slowly over the past year, since his return from Qatar. About a month and a half ago I decided that it would be best if I moved out and stayed with my parents. And a month ago today he told me that in the time we were separated he'd cheated on me. I don't even know this man. The man I married would have NEVER cheated on me.
I still love him and I'm hoping that we can eventually work things out but he's just letting everything else going on with him get in the way of our marriage. He can't seem to separate his feelings about our marriage out of the tangle of emotions about all of the other things going on in his life right now. On his good days he seems almost like himself again and he seems at least a little more optimistic about how our marriage will go, but on his bad days it seems like he's just ready to give up because he doesn't think things will work out at all. And of course through all of this he feels the need to tell me how he feels about it and that makes it extremely hard for me to know what to think or feel about how this will work out.
And then let's not forget about the fact that I'm a little over 5 months pregnant. I have to consider the fact that I may be raising my kid on my own. I never even thought there was a chance of that happening and I don't know what to do. It's not what I wanted from life. I trusted him enough to want us to have kids together and actually get pregnant on purpose and now I feel as if I can't trust him at all. I can't even trust him to be emotionally stable from one hour to the next and I have to have a child with him now.
I really don't know if I can do this. I don't know if I can survive him leaving me and having to raise a child on my own. I know that people do it all the time but I'm not people. I need my partner back and I have no way of knowing if he'll even want to be my partner tomorrow at this point. He keeps saying he wants to work things out but his fatalistic attitude toward it makes me wonder. And every time he tells me how scared of his own feelings about me and our marriage it makes me feel worse and worse about our chances of making it.
How do people do this? How do people make it through this kind of stuff? How do people work through marriage problems this bad and make it out the other side with their marriages intact? How did this end up being my life? How did I get here?
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Two Weeks Down....
We are two weeks into DH's deployment as of Tuesday. So far it doesn't seem to be too bad actually. It seems like it's going by pretty quickly. I think part of that is the fact that he didn't have 2 months’ worth of training before hand and had to leave straight from there this time around. He only had the 3 weeks’ worth of training and he got to come home for almost a month before he left again.
This deployment will only be about 26 weeks total, which most AF deployments are. I know that it's going to seem really long by the time it's over but I still think that it's going to feel much shorter than the last one.
Another reason it feels like it's going by so fast is because I'm not constantly worrying about something happening to him. He is in the Middle East at the moment but he's in a country that's relatively stable and has a tolerant leader so there's a considerably smaller threat level. I feel a lot better about him being there than I did about him being in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, DH likes jobs where he's being put to his full potential and he feels like he's being underutilized in a job where he stands at a gate and checks I.D.'s all day. At home he's a cop so he's used to doing things a little more high speed than gate checks.
For his future deployments he wants go places like Afghanistan. I fully support him in everything he does. I know that this is going to be one of those things that really sucks for me. It’s definitely going to be kind of a struggle because I worry so much. Eventually I’ll be home by myself taking care of the house, the dogs, the bills, the yard, and the kids on top of worrying about him like crazy. But this is the life I signed up for and I wouldn’t trade DH for something easier.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Thanks for reading : )
This deployment will only be about 26 weeks total, which most AF deployments are. I know that it's going to seem really long by the time it's over but I still think that it's going to feel much shorter than the last one.
Another reason it feels like it's going by so fast is because I'm not constantly worrying about something happening to him. He is in the Middle East at the moment but he's in a country that's relatively stable and has a tolerant leader so there's a considerably smaller threat level. I feel a lot better about him being there than I did about him being in Afghanistan. Unfortunately, DH likes jobs where he's being put to his full potential and he feels like he's being underutilized in a job where he stands at a gate and checks I.D.'s all day. At home he's a cop so he's used to doing things a little more high speed than gate checks.
For his future deployments he wants go places like Afghanistan. I fully support him in everything he does. I know that this is going to be one of those things that really sucks for me. It’s definitely going to be kind of a struggle because I worry so much. Eventually I’ll be home by myself taking care of the house, the dogs, the bills, the yard, and the kids on top of worrying about him like crazy. But this is the life I signed up for and I wouldn’t trade DH for something easier.
I hope everyone is having a wonderful day. Thanks for reading : )
Friday, January 18, 2013
And So It Begins
DH has finally started his deployment. He left on the 15th and finally made it to Qatar after over 40 hours of planes and airports with no sleep. I already miss him like crazy but it's only 6 months.
I'm hoping that this deployment will go by fast. We're planning on buying a house when he gets home and I'm super excited to find one. Really I'm just ready for the deployment to be over, the house to be bought and settled in to, the new truck to be bought, the dogs to be bought, and for everything to stop being so hectic.
The past month has been so hectic. I've been working nonstop, we had Christmas and New Year's, then we moved out of our apartment and back to my parents' house, had to pack and unpack and then repack most of his stuff, and then also pack for his deployment. I'm ready to get back to a normal work schedule and get settled finally. Then of course once he gets back we have to move to the new house and probably in a little over a year or so we'll be moving to a different state and a new base and doing everything over again. I guess that's what I signed up for, though.
I'm hoping that this deployment will go by fast. We're planning on buying a house when he gets home and I'm super excited to find one. Really I'm just ready for the deployment to be over, the house to be bought and settled in to, the new truck to be bought, the dogs to be bought, and for everything to stop being so hectic.
The past month has been so hectic. I've been working nonstop, we had Christmas and New Year's, then we moved out of our apartment and back to my parents' house, had to pack and unpack and then repack most of his stuff, and then also pack for his deployment. I'm ready to get back to a normal work schedule and get settled finally. Then of course once he gets back we have to move to the new house and probably in a little over a year or so we'll be moving to a different state and a new base and doing everything over again. I guess that's what I signed up for, though.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Just A Bit Of A Breakdown
Today was a long day. The thing is though, that it wasn't a long day as in I had a ton of stuff to do and I had to cram it all into one day. It was just one of those days when everything hits you all at once.
It started when I got a text from my mom telling me to call her so I did. It turns out that the really nice wedding present they were going to give me wasn't exactly going to work out. See, they were originally going to pay off my car so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. They were going to take over the last 6 months of payments. Well, turns out what we thought were going to be the last 6 payments are not even close to the last ones. We thought I was going to get it paid off in April. Well, the final payment will be in April. Just April of 2015.
That was a huge blow. I was so excited to be done making payments and I was so ready to just be able to enjoy a payment free life. I'd been counting down the months for the past year or so thinking how many more payments I had left. And then to have my parents take over what we thought were the last 6 was such a relief. I don't make much at my job and it was going to be so nice to have extra money laying around for once. But no. I will now be taking the payments back over after April 2013. Another 2 whole years of payments. Which if my timeline goes the way I'd like it to the last payment will be about a month or so before our first child is born.
Then I started thinking about the wedding I have to plan. My parents offered us $3,000 to help out with the wedding and when we found out about my car they said that we could either keep the $3,000 for the wedding or they could put at least that on my car. As nice as that would be and as much help as that would be to me it would benefit us more to use it on the wedding since I don't think that we could save up as much on our own along with what we're going to have to pay ourselves anyway.
So then I started stressing about how $3,000 probably wouldn't even be enough to pay for the freaking venue. I don't know how much his mom and his step-dad are going to contribute and I don't know if his dad and his step-mom are helping at all. And I have no idea how much we'll be able to throw in if any. So I have to start trying to plan a wedding with an unknown budget. I have to find a venue that can hold at least 250 people and that is relatively budget conscious. I have to figure out how much everything else is going to cost, too. Plus I'm the one that will be making almost all of the decisions because my husband will be gone from January to July on a deployment and he really doesn't care too much about all of the little details. So I get to shoulder all the stress and responsibility of making all of the little, tiny decisions that make the whole wedding work.
It would be so nice if the world didn't need money. I'm so sick of worrying about it. It feels like that's all we do these days. Everything in our lives revolves around how much money we have and how much things cost. I wish I could just forget about all of this stuff and just enjoy my life and be happy for a little while without worrying and counting dollars and cents.
It also hit me today that my husband is going to be gone for 6 months soon. He's in training right now and these 3 weeks have been way plenty of time away from him and once he gets back from training I'll have less than a month with him before he leaves for 6 months. I hate not being around him and this little preview of what it'll be like with him gone has sucked enough. I'm sure I'll settle into not having him around after a month or two. And it's not like I'll be by myself anyway. I'll be living with my parents so it won't be so bad.
Anyway, I hope everyone else's day was better than mine.
It started when I got a text from my mom telling me to call her so I did. It turns out that the really nice wedding present they were going to give me wasn't exactly going to work out. See, they were originally going to pay off my car so that I wouldn't have to worry about it anymore. They were going to take over the last 6 months of payments. Well, turns out what we thought were going to be the last 6 payments are not even close to the last ones. We thought I was going to get it paid off in April. Well, the final payment will be in April. Just April of 2015.
That was a huge blow. I was so excited to be done making payments and I was so ready to just be able to enjoy a payment free life. I'd been counting down the months for the past year or so thinking how many more payments I had left. And then to have my parents take over what we thought were the last 6 was such a relief. I don't make much at my job and it was going to be so nice to have extra money laying around for once. But no. I will now be taking the payments back over after April 2013. Another 2 whole years of payments. Which if my timeline goes the way I'd like it to the last payment will be about a month or so before our first child is born.
Then I started thinking about the wedding I have to plan. My parents offered us $3,000 to help out with the wedding and when we found out about my car they said that we could either keep the $3,000 for the wedding or they could put at least that on my car. As nice as that would be and as much help as that would be to me it would benefit us more to use it on the wedding since I don't think that we could save up as much on our own along with what we're going to have to pay ourselves anyway.
So then I started stressing about how $3,000 probably wouldn't even be enough to pay for the freaking venue. I don't know how much his mom and his step-dad are going to contribute and I don't know if his dad and his step-mom are helping at all. And I have no idea how much we'll be able to throw in if any. So I have to start trying to plan a wedding with an unknown budget. I have to find a venue that can hold at least 250 people and that is relatively budget conscious. I have to figure out how much everything else is going to cost, too. Plus I'm the one that will be making almost all of the decisions because my husband will be gone from January to July on a deployment and he really doesn't care too much about all of the little details. So I get to shoulder all the stress and responsibility of making all of the little, tiny decisions that make the whole wedding work.
It would be so nice if the world didn't need money. I'm so sick of worrying about it. It feels like that's all we do these days. Everything in our lives revolves around how much money we have and how much things cost. I wish I could just forget about all of this stuff and just enjoy my life and be happy for a little while without worrying and counting dollars and cents.
It also hit me today that my husband is going to be gone for 6 months soon. He's in training right now and these 3 weeks have been way plenty of time away from him and once he gets back from training I'll have less than a month with him before he leaves for 6 months. I hate not being around him and this little preview of what it'll be like with him gone has sucked enough. I'm sure I'll settle into not having him around after a month or two. And it's not like I'll be by myself anyway. I'll be living with my parents so it won't be so bad.
Anyway, I hope everyone else's day was better than mine.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
DBF Makes The Transition To DH
DBF is finally DH! We got engaged on October 26 and we got married October 31! We're finally married! It feels so good.
He was so cute about his proposal and it was a total surprise. He was so sneaky! He even asked my parents for their blessing before asking me to marry him. He really is my knight in shining armor. I can't imagine a better husband and partner in life.
The only problem with this day is my stupid co-worker "not being able to find a babysitter" which really just means that she didn't want to come in. She would rather spend her night with the married man she's seeing. She won't be getting any favors from me for a long, long time. She can't give me the first night of my marriage to spend with my husband. I won't be giving up the nights that I get to spend with DH before he leaves for anything. She'll just have to find someone else to work for her.
But other than that it has been such a wonderful day. Our families got along well at dinner, even his mom and his dad. Some times they have a bit of trouble being in the same room but they were civil. It
He was so cute about his proposal and it was a total surprise. He was so sneaky! He even asked my parents for their blessing before asking me to marry him. He really is my knight in shining armor. I can't imagine a better husband and partner in life.
The only problem with this day is my stupid co-worker "not being able to find a babysitter" which really just means that she didn't want to come in. She would rather spend her night with the married man she's seeing. She won't be getting any favors from me for a long, long time. She can't give me the first night of my marriage to spend with my husband. I won't be giving up the nights that I get to spend with DH before he leaves for anything. She'll just have to find someone else to work for her.
But other than that it has been such a wonderful day. Our families got along well at dinner, even his mom and his dad. Some times they have a bit of trouble being in the same room but they were civil. It
It's Been A While
I've been so busy. And also lazy. DH has gone to training but he'll be back in a little over a week but all the preparation for training took up tons of time. Plus getting me all registered in various military data bases and health care systems. And on top of that I've been working what seems like 24/7. Really it's only 5 nights a week but my shift takes up 6 days so I only have one day that's truly free and it's really getting to me.
I don't really have much to write about but I know I've been neglecting my blog lately and I really shouldn't do that. It was intended for a purpose. It was intended for an outlet for me but also as practice to get myself writing on a more regular basis. I need the practice and to learn the discipline of making myself write at least something. Obviously I need a lot more practice. But when DH leaves again I may have a little bit more to say.
I don't really have much to write about but I know I've been neglecting my blog lately and I really shouldn't do that. It was intended for a purpose. It was intended for an outlet for me but also as practice to get myself writing on a more regular basis. I need the practice and to learn the discipline of making myself write at least something. Obviously I need a lot more practice. But when DH leaves again I may have a little bit more to say.
Thursday, October 25, 2012
A Pointless Trip To The Doctor
The past couple of months I've had some odd things going on with my body. I've already mentioned the pregnancy test. I did take a repeat test a week later and came up with the same result but I've just been experiencing some weird things going on. I know my body pretty well and I feel like this stuff is just not normal and it all started after a certain odd event.
So DBF finally convinced me that I should just call the doctor to see if they could tell me anything over the phone. I ended up not being able to talk to the gynecology department because the actual prescription for my birth control was written by my general practitioner because I'd gotten samples from my gyno and I was visiting my general practitioner anyway and she said she could go ahead and write the prescription. So anyway, I had to ask my questions to a nurse practitioner and she had to call me back because they had to look up the answers to my questions since the nurse and the doctor didn't know the answers off the tops of their heads. She called back and told me she was scheduling me an appointment with gynecology. The first available appointment wasn't with my regular gyno but they acted like the things I was saying weren't normal.
I finally went in this morning after working all night only to have the doctor basically dismiss my concerns. I didn't even get to list all my symptoms before he started edging towards the door to call the nurse back in to be present during the pap smear. I'm just so pissed. How are you supposed to even take a guess as to what's wrong with me or be able to tell me for sure that I'm completely fine and what I'm experiencing is normal if you haven't heard all the symptoms?
I feel like I wasted my morning, when I could have been asleep with DBF, on a completely pointless trip to the doctor's office (that's almost an hour away from my house by the way). I thought being a doctor was about helping people. I think I know when something unusual is going on with my body as I'm the one who lives in it everyday. I never go to the doctor for anything so for me to call about this was kind of a big deal and the treatment I received today just reaffirms why I don't bother going to the doctor. If they're not going to take the 10 minutes it would take to get all my symptoms listed and concerns answered then what is the point of me even going in in the first place?
Just one more reason that when I do get pregnant I won't be going to an OB if I can help it. That's not the kind of care I want to get, especially with my first kid when I have no clue what's normal or what's not. I want to feel like I can ask as many questions as I want and get the kind of attention I feel like every patient should get. Maybe if I'd had my regular gyno things would have been different. Or maybe not but I'm not happy at all with the health care system or at least the system where I go. I'll be glad to be on DBF's insurance so that I can go to a different hospital.
So DBF finally convinced me that I should just call the doctor to see if they could tell me anything over the phone. I ended up not being able to talk to the gynecology department because the actual prescription for my birth control was written by my general practitioner because I'd gotten samples from my gyno and I was visiting my general practitioner anyway and she said she could go ahead and write the prescription. So anyway, I had to ask my questions to a nurse practitioner and she had to call me back because they had to look up the answers to my questions since the nurse and the doctor didn't know the answers off the tops of their heads. She called back and told me she was scheduling me an appointment with gynecology. The first available appointment wasn't with my regular gyno but they acted like the things I was saying weren't normal.
I finally went in this morning after working all night only to have the doctor basically dismiss my concerns. I didn't even get to list all my symptoms before he started edging towards the door to call the nurse back in to be present during the pap smear. I'm just so pissed. How are you supposed to even take a guess as to what's wrong with me or be able to tell me for sure that I'm completely fine and what I'm experiencing is normal if you haven't heard all the symptoms?
I feel like I wasted my morning, when I could have been asleep with DBF, on a completely pointless trip to the doctor's office (that's almost an hour away from my house by the way). I thought being a doctor was about helping people. I think I know when something unusual is going on with my body as I'm the one who lives in it everyday. I never go to the doctor for anything so for me to call about this was kind of a big deal and the treatment I received today just reaffirms why I don't bother going to the doctor. If they're not going to take the 10 minutes it would take to get all my symptoms listed and concerns answered then what is the point of me even going in in the first place?
Just one more reason that when I do get pregnant I won't be going to an OB if I can help it. That's not the kind of care I want to get, especially with my first kid when I have no clue what's normal or what's not. I want to feel like I can ask as many questions as I want and get the kind of attention I feel like every patient should get. Maybe if I'd had my regular gyno things would have been different. Or maybe not but I'm not happy at all with the health care system or at least the system where I go. I'll be glad to be on DBF's insurance so that I can go to a different hospital.
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