Is It Over Yet?

As you know, DBF's sister and her boyfriend live with us. We will call her DSIL and him G. Now, this is more drama about them.

G is in the Air Force like DBF and while he's stationed where we live he's actually from California. Usually, once a year or so, G goes to visit his family and his friends back home. That's all well and good except for the fact that for some reason once he gets there he can't seem to take a few seconds out of his day to even send DSIL a text or give her a call.

Last year when G went back home he didn't call or text DSIL for a full 2 weeks. This time DSIL made him promise before he left that he would just give her a quick call or text every day. How hard is that, right? The answer is: Apparently way to hard for G. So now DSIL is considering breaking up with G again.

 DBF doesn't even blame her for wanting to break up with G this time. She can be a bit over dramatic most of the time so DBF actually tends to side with G on most things because usually DSIL is overreacting. But this time when she talked to DBF about what was going on he agreed with her reaction. She told me that when DBF agrees with her she knows she has a legitimate reason for leaving.

I know that if it were me or DBF with family far away that we'd be calling each other every day we were gone and texting constantly. It just goes to show how damaged DSIL and G's relationship is. They have way more good days than bad days and even DSIL admits that even with the few good days that it's just not worth it anymore. But I'm waiting to see what happens now because with those 2 you never really know if they're going to decide to keep trying.

I feel bad for DSIL. She's got so much going on right now with work and her ovarian cyst and her relationship with G falling apart. But I think if she can just get rid of one of those stresses she'll be a lot happier. She doesn't have any control over her ovarian cyst so that's kind of has to stay. She has a car to pay off, other bills to pay, and possibly finding a place to live on her own so her job is sort of important. Her relationship with G she has control over, she can just decide that it's too stressful and end it. I for one really hope that she does. I think it'll be good for her but we'll just have to wait and see how things play out.

Is She A Hoarder?!

Yeah, it really looks like I'm a newspaper hoarder. But I promise I'm not! I am in fact, a recycler.

My recycling used to sort of bug DBF. Well, more like he thought I was a bit nuts about it. He used to get about half way to the trash can with a plastic water bottle (when we used to drink lots of bottled water which is bad for you btw) or the expired milk and I'd ask in that girlfriend tone what he thought he was doing. He would look confused for a second and then he'd give me that boyfriend look that says you're being kinda crazy. I'd wash the milk jug out or toss the water bottle under the sink where we keep everything plastic and he'd just shake his head at me.

The other day though, he washed out a milk jug all on his own and put it under the sink for me and he was so proud of it. It was ridiculously touching to me for some reason. I guess it's just because I know that he's not one of those people who thought about recycling before and it's not something he really cares about. Except for the part where it matters to me and he cares about me, so he recycled because he knows that I care about it. He's such a good man.

On another note, I'm so not ready to be driving home facing the sun every morning in a few months.

When DBF leaves again I'll be living with my parents and they live about 45 minutes from where I work so every morning for about 45 minutes I'll be driving right into the sun. I hate driving into the sun. I'm one of those people that has to wear sunglasses even when it's cloudy out which means that that much sun in my eyes is awful. I feel like I'm going blind. I can't see anything and I get those weird after image spots in my eyes, which I also hate.

Also, I'd like to add this picture that I took this morning when DBF and I went to get breakfast. I would just like to ask: WTF?! This is outside of a brand new library just down the street from our apartment. The only thing that has anything to do with a library is the stack of books in it's hands. It's this realistic looking dinosaur... And then they put books in it's hands and Converse sneakers on it's feet. I'm not really sure what they were trying to convey here...

Anyway, I hope everyone is having a lovely day.

Ripped Jeans And Not Letting It Ruin My Day (Much)

So, the awful thing happened. I was just minding my own business, getting dressed to go out to an early dinner with DBF, when I squatted down to get socks from my drawer. My only pair of skinny jeans ripped up the seam in the back. Needless to say, I was pissed and also it just made me feel horrible. The first thing I thought was "I'm so freaking fat! Fat, fat, fatty!" I just wanted to cry.

But DBF was taking me out to dinner and I didn't want to ruin one of the rare days that we get to spend doing something besides going to the gym or sleeping before he leaves for work. Plus, it always puts him in a terrible mood when I get down on myself like that. I definitely didn't want to put him in a bad mood and drag him down with me. I did manage to let it go for the afternoon.

Granted, I can kind of blame it on the pants themselves. You know that really thin, stretchy "jean" material. It kind of feels like jeans but it stretches until you wash it and it immediately shrinks like 4 sizes so you have to re-stretch it out again every time. Yeah, they were made out of that crap and they were clean. So, I did what I usually do and did that really unlady-like squat that you do to get your jeans to fit like they're supposed to. They just ripped.

Next time I buy skinny jeans I'm going to do my best to find them in real denim. I don't even know if they make those anymore, though. I just want my jeans to be made out of denim like in the good ole days. Is that too much to ask?

I was just scanning through blogs, like I do most nights at work, and I came across a post from one of the blogs I read on a semi-regular basis. It was about weight. Not putting so much emphasis on the number and more on finding a good fitness level and a place where you feel good. The post just got me thinking. I love the idea. It's wonderful in theory. In practice, for me, not so much.

DBF is always on me about weighing myself. I do it almost every time I visit my parents. There's a scale in the bathroom my sister and I shared and I have a very hard time resisting the temptation of finding out if I've actually lost anything since I weighed last time. The past few times I have managed to resist but before that I just never shared that I'd weighed again. DBF loves me and thinks I'm beautiful no matter how much I weigh and he loved me even before I started losing all the fat.

I've managed to lean up a lot in the past 8 or so months that we've been going to the gym. It's been mostly in the past few months though. I was just so out of shape that I basically had no muscles at all and I had to build those up under my fat before I could even begin to lose that stuff. I managed to do it. I just wish it had been faster. Actually, what I really wish is that I hadn't let myself get so out of shape in the first place.

I was a runner in high school. I ran cross country and the middle distances in track. I can't say that I was particularly fast but I was in good shape. And, then I ended up having tendon issues in my left knee that hurt so badly that I couldn't run and I basically got kicked off the team (thanks to my bitchy coach, who only liked you if you were fast anyway). After that my fitness just gradually declined and I took for granted that I could eat anything I wanted at that age and not gain a pound.

I gradually started gaining weight in my very early 20's. At 23 I got pregnant and lost the baby at about 8 weeks. But that 8 weeks of pregnancy really screwed with my hormones and then getting on the pill really did me in. It's just been so hard to get the weight off. I think it's partially to do with the pill and partially due to genetics.

Both of my parents and my extended family all suffer from weight issues of various degrees. Part of it is probably to do with everyone's fitness level. Just a generally unhealthy lot to begin with. But add onto that, that it just seems to run in both sides of our family to be overweight.

I grew up hearing all kinds of talk from the women in my family about diets of one sort or another, how they needed to lose weight, how they'd gained this or that much and how awful it was to be fat. My mother was particularly bad. She used to weigh about 107 to 110 when she met my dad and stayed that way until they decided to have kids. My mother gained weight with me that she never managed to lose, then she had my sister and never managed to lose that weight either. After that I suspect that she felt bad and ate her emotions and made the situation worse. Not to mention the fact that my father can be and ass about weight despite the fact that he's just as overweight as she is.

It just got drilled into my head as a kid to not let myself get fat. My mother was always weighing herself and obsessing about it. So, naturally I picked up on that and I can't seem to quite make myself not care about the number on the scale.

I want to not care. I want to just care about my fitness and my health and feeling good. I don't want to have to resist the temptation of weighing in every time I go into that bathroom. I want to just get down to a comfortable size and be able to wear my old favorite jeans again.

I'm really trying to care a little less. Some days I'm getting pretty good at it. Some days, like today, no matter how hard I try, I still feel like a fat, fat, fatty.

The blogger who wrote that post sort of challenged her readers to give up every woman's well guarded secret, her weight. The real number. So, here it is:

My name is Jessica and I weigh 178 pounds.

Drama, Drama,DRAMA!

Oh, geez. Where to even start! My future sister-in-law and her boyfriend almost broke up this week. Plus, she was back in the ER for pain from an ovarian cyst. I of course, was the one who took her to the ER and waited 5 hours. Then, I spent another few hours comforting her while she freaked out about their possible breakup.

I'm so ready for them to move out so I can go back to my drama free life. Well, mostly drama free. There's always the military to put some drama into our otherwise drama free life.

I just don't get how they can fight like cats and dogs and breakup and get back together over and over. I just don't have that kind of fight in me I guess. If it's not working and I was fighting with someone all the time I'd just have to end it. I can't maintain that level of stress for a long period of time. After a certain point I just stop caring.

But luckily, my relationship is pretty damn good.

What Would I Do?

I was just reading through a mommy blog and came across a post about a friend of hers who's little boy died last year in a flooded creek. I can't imagine the strength it took her just to get out of bed every day or to see her daughter without her son next to her. It made me so sad to read it. It was just so tragic and heartbreaking and outrageously unfair. But it got me thinking. What would I do if I lost someone?

I've lost people before. I'm down to my grandmother. Both of my grandfathers and my other grandmother have all died. My other grandmother just a year and a half ago. But I knew that it was coming with all of them. One grandfather had lung cancer and was in a coma before my grandmother decided to take him off of life support finally. My other grandfather had a heart attack. My grandmother also died of a heart attack after struggling to get over a previous heart attack. She never did quite get back to full health and after about 6 months she had another one.

The point is that they were old and I knew that it was coming though with my first grandfather to die, I was only 11 or 12 and still foolishly hoped that he'd get better I think. But still, it wasn't a great shock. I mean, I still cried and ranted and railed that it wasn't fair. I hated it but it wasn't something that I was absolutely unprepared for.

What would I do if someone I loved died unexpectedly? What if their lives were just suddenly cut short? How would I handle that?

I honestly hope I never have to answer that. There's that secret part of me that I rarely ever allow to see the light of day that is terrified of DBF getting deployed again. I'm terrified of the things that could potentially happen to him over there. I can't imagine my life without him and the future that looks so bright for us. I'm literally tearing up and sniffling as I write this. I can't imagine not being able to have children with him and seeing him hold our babies for the first time or not having our wedding ceremony. I can't picture my life without him next to me.

How could I possibly make it through that kind of loss? He's my whole world right now and I can't imagine not being able to expand our world and our life together with kids some day that are a perfect mix of him and me. I suppose I'm terrified that I won't have anything to remember him by. No connection or piece of him to hold onto in this world. Maybe that's why I've been having baby fever lately. I want a piece of him to keep with me.

But now it's time to close off that secret part of me that's afraid. I can't go through my life thinking like that. It's the only way to get through a deployment. That part stays in a lock box buried in 20 feet of cement otherwise I'll go insane. And my being worried like that affects his concentration and I refuse to be the wife who saps concentration so selfishly. DBF will probably never hear how scared I am and how worried I am. At least not until he gets back.

I'm going to live my life and try not to buy trouble where there is none and hope that some terrible thing never finds me or mine.

Babies

I wonder if it's because I'm getting older or if more people are having babies lately. There have been 4 babies born this year that I know and a friend from high school is pregnant. Granted one of those is DBF's latest sibling (his mom and step-dad decided to give it a go) but still, that's kind of a lot of babies.

I guess it's probably because I'm getting older, though 2 of those babies were accidents, and people my age are getting married or have been married and are having kids. Some times I look at those tiny, cute little people and I want one. They're just so amazing.

And then I think about all the things I would have to give up in my life. I kind of enjoy being able to do what I want when I want. DBF and I don't get to spend a lot of time together because of work and the time we do get to have can be spent however we feel like it. We don't have to worry about babysitters or nap times.

But even thinking about alone time with DBF and freedom, there's a part of me that really wants to get on this baby thing. I think my biological clock is getting a little worried that I haven't started reproducing yet. I'm only 25 and DBF is going to be 23 in a couple of months and by today's standards that's pretty young for kids. But people around me really need to quit popping out babies. It messes with my willpower.

Does anyone else feel like that? Or is it just me?

I remember now why I sort of put my Nook away for a little while. I was reading books in actual book form, you know, with paper and ink and all that jazz. And then I finished them. I then had nothing else to read so I got out my Nook. So far I've probably spent about $25 in the past 2 or 3 days.

Now, $25 or so really isn't that much money. Until you take into account that it was all spent within a few day period of time and if I'm not careful I could end up spending hundreds in a few weeks. That's the real problem with my Nook.

I love the instant gratification of buying a book and getting to read it about 10 seconds later. The only problem is that I don't even have to get into my wallet and hand my credit card to someone. I tend to pay a little bit better attention to what I'm spending when I have to see them scan my card and look at the total. With my Nook it's just a few dollars here and a few there that add up way faster that you would think. I'm betting I regret getting it out again.

I'm really hoping that I don't have to blog about credit card debt here in the next few weeks.

I'm so glad DBF has a phone that works now. I've really missed getting to text him while he's at work or I'm at work. I enjoy getting nice texts every once in a while just reminding me that he loves me or misses me. Him not having a phone was just not fun.

It seems like every time I wanted to ask DBF to do something or I needed to tell him something, it was when we were apart and he had no phone. I hated not being able to get in contact with him and I'm sure everyone from work was feeling the same thing.

DBF works Security Forces and a cell is definitely a must have to do that kind of work. It's police work most nights for him and it has the potential to be a dangerous job. Also they may need to contact him about something that can't be said over a radio. Or if he happens to get into a situation where something happens to his radio, he needs a way to contact someone. It made me a little nervous with him going out on patrol alone without a cell.

Also, I'm forgetful. Like it's really bad. I can't ever remember to do little things like pick up milk on the way home or wash DBF's gym clothes. For some reason even texting DBF to remind me to do things helps me remember to do them and usually the reminder isn't necessary. Or if DBF was home and I needed to pick up milk  on the way home because he just had the last of it there was no way to tell me. It was all getting to be a little bit annoying.

I never really realized how dependent I was on people having a cell. Having instantaneous contact with someone has become such a big part of daily life these days. It seems so strange to think that people didn't used to be able to just call someone wherever they were. I'm young enough that cell phones were pretty popular when I was at an appropriate age to have one and just got more popular to the point that almost everyone has one. I can't even imagine life without my iPhone and all it's various ways to contact people and entertain me.

I'm just glad he has it back and I get to hear from him a little more when we're apart now.

I hate confrontation. I'm good at arguing but I'm not a really confrontational person. I don't like to start fights and most things I can let roll off my back without having a major affect on me. This thing with my parents has not been one of those things that just rolls right off.

I finally had to tell my mother that she needed to find someone else to talk to about everything that's happening with my dad. She was telling me things I didn't need to know and using my sister as a spy.

Now, it's not like my sister isn't an adult as well, she turned 21 this year, but she's still relatively innocent. She's learned a lot about life in college these past few years but she shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stuff. Hell, I shouldn't be dealing with this kind of stuff! I have no clue what to do in a situation like this but I know a little bit more about dysfunctional relationships that my sister.

I'm just glad that DBF and I don't have any major issues. Actually, we really don't have any issues in our relationship. Deployments are an issue but only because we would much rather be together than apart. Deployments don't make us fight more or anything like that. Mostly, they just make us miss the hell out of each other and that only improves our relationship.

If my parents don't work this out in the next few months this is going to be a very long deployment. I don't know how I'm going to stand being in the same house since I'll be moving back home while DBF is away. I just don't know what the hell to do with my family anymore.

Why are iPhone apps so addicting?! I've been playing this cute little app called DragonVale all day. I seriously can't stop. But I guess that's kind of their whole plan, keep you playing and get you so addicted that you'll actually spend real money to buy fake money for the game. I have actually managed to never spend real money for coins in any app I've ever played but there have been a lot of times when it was pretty tempting.

And now that I've written something for my blog it's back to DragonVale. Have a lovely day everyone!

Don't you just hate being involved in something that really isn't any of your business? And the person asks for advice that you really aren't qualified to give? Well, I do! I hate being involved in other people's problems. I don't like feeling stuck in the middle.

Unfortunately, my mother saw fit to involve me in a very large issue between her and my father. I'm angry at my father for putting my mother through all the things he is and for not appreciating that he has a wonderful wife who would do just about anything for him. And I'm mad at my mother for putting me in the middle of a situation again and for asking me what to do when I'm most assuredly too young to have any idea.

I'm only 25. When it comes to serious relationship issues, I've been through my share I suppose, I just haven't been through any of the kinds of issues that are going on between my parents who have been married for over 30 years. I have absolutely no clue how to deal with any issue that pops up in a relationship that's been going on that long and with all the things that come with shared lives. My longest relationship has been with DBF (may it continue 'til death do us part) and we don't have kids (or even a dog), shared bank accounts, a house, any of that. How in the world am I supposed to know what you should do in any situation that involves being in a relationship longer than I've even been alive?!

And I just lost so much respect for my father in one 30 minute conversation with my mother today. I always knew in a sort of off handed way that my father was selfish and rather immature, but hearing the things my mother told me today has just ruined the image I had of my father. This is the man who was my hero as a child. My dad knew everything, he was always right, I just knew it. Slowly over the years as I grew up and became an adult, not just in years but maturity, I started to see more and more ways that my father was more of a child than I was.

I can even begin to describe the disappointment I feel. I wonder now if parents feel the same sense of shame that we felt as kids when our parents used that dreaded phrase, "I'm so disappointed in you." Would saying that have any effect on the choices he's made and the ones that he's likely to have to make soon? Would it upset him to know that his own daughter feels so disappointed in him at the moment that she wouldn't even be able to look at him?

My mother wanted my sister to come home this weekend from college and I feel bad about not going down to see her and for leaving her to deal with whatever happens but I just couldn't pretend I didn't know what was going on. I also doubt I could be nice to my father at this particular moment. I don't know that I could be around him all day without confronting him. And as my mother told me all of the things that she told me in confidence I can't really go blurting things out to my father without causing more trouble.

Apparently, my parents are going about life as usual though. They went out to see a movie tonight and my sister says they're acting normal. I know that it can't be easy for my mother because I know just how hard she's taking all of this. I know that I couldn't do it. She's a very strong woman, my mother, but eventually my father is going to go that last little bit too far and she'll break. I'm not sure he'd really know what to do without her. After all, when you've been with someone for more that half of your life, how can you truly understand what your life would be completely devoid of their company?

I really hope everyone's day was better that my family's. Sorry for the extremely long post but I feel a little better now.