What Would I Do?

I was just reading through a mommy blog and came across a post about a friend of hers who's little boy died last year in a flooded creek. I can't imagine the strength it took her just to get out of bed every day or to see her daughter without her son next to her. It made me so sad to read it. It was just so tragic and heartbreaking and outrageously unfair. But it got me thinking. What would I do if I lost someone?

I've lost people before. I'm down to my grandmother. Both of my grandfathers and my other grandmother have all died. My other grandmother just a year and a half ago. But I knew that it was coming with all of them. One grandfather had lung cancer and was in a coma before my grandmother decided to take him off of life support finally. My other grandfather had a heart attack. My grandmother also died of a heart attack after struggling to get over a previous heart attack. She never did quite get back to full health and after about 6 months she had another one.

The point is that they were old and I knew that it was coming though with my first grandfather to die, I was only 11 or 12 and still foolishly hoped that he'd get better I think. But still, it wasn't a great shock. I mean, I still cried and ranted and railed that it wasn't fair. I hated it but it wasn't something that I was absolutely unprepared for.

What would I do if someone I loved died unexpectedly? What if their lives were just suddenly cut short? How would I handle that?

I honestly hope I never have to answer that. There's that secret part of me that I rarely ever allow to see the light of day that is terrified of DBF getting deployed again. I'm terrified of the things that could potentially happen to him over there. I can't imagine my life without him and the future that looks so bright for us. I'm literally tearing up and sniffling as I write this. I can't imagine not being able to have children with him and seeing him hold our babies for the first time or not having our wedding ceremony. I can't picture my life without him next to me.

How could I possibly make it through that kind of loss? He's my whole world right now and I can't imagine not being able to expand our world and our life together with kids some day that are a perfect mix of him and me. I suppose I'm terrified that I won't have anything to remember him by. No connection or piece of him to hold onto in this world. Maybe that's why I've been having baby fever lately. I want a piece of him to keep with me.

But now it's time to close off that secret part of me that's afraid. I can't go through my life thinking like that. It's the only way to get through a deployment. That part stays in a lock box buried in 20 feet of cement otherwise I'll go insane. And my being worried like that affects his concentration and I refuse to be the wife who saps concentration so selfishly. DBF will probably never hear how scared I am and how worried I am. At least not until he gets back.

I'm going to live my life and try not to buy trouble where there is none and hope that some terrible thing never finds me or mine.