Just yesterday I decided to take a pregnancy test. I was really nervous and scared out of my mind but also a little bit hopeful. Despite the fact that DBF is about to deploy in a few months and it would be awful timing, there was a traitorous part of me that really wanted me to be pregnant. The test was negative and while everyone was gone today I got in the shower and just cried my eyes out. I'm not sure why it hit me so hard but even thinking about it now makes me want to burst into tears again.
I feel like I've gotten a bit of a glimpse of what it's like for those people trying to get pregnant and coming up with negative tests. I can't imagine going month after month or year after year feeling the way I do right now. I'm so sad for a life that wasn't ever actually there. I'm sad for this image I had of this little person that didn't really exist. I pray that I never have fertility issues. I just don't know how I'd get through it.
Tonight we went out to dinner with a bunch of friends two of whom have babies. One couple has a little boy that's 6 months old and the other couple has a little girl who is 2 months old. The father of the little girl made a comment about how we should have a baby next. I felt like excusing myself from the table and going to cry in the bathroom, but that would have ruined my makeup and that would be hard to explain.
Later on we went to play games at the house of the couple with the little boy. I was trying to get out of coming to work so that we could all hang out longer since both of the guys were headed out to training for a month the day after tomorrow. One of the girls suggested that I use the excuse that I got a false positive on a pregnancy test and the blood test came back negative. Normally, those comments wouldn't have bothered me but today they just about killed me.
One of the worst parts about this is that if I tried to explain it to DBF I don't think he'd get it. I don't think that he would understand why this was so hard for me. It's not like we were trying to get pregnant or anything and now would be such a bad time. The thing is that the part of me that really hoped we were pregnant doesn't give a crap if we were trying or if now isn't a good time. That part of me feels like it failed. Like that one pink line instead of two pink lines was a big fat F on the most important test ever. The part of me that wants to be a mother so bad just feels like a total failure.
I can't even put into words how awful I feel. Crushed hopes just makes it so hard to laugh and pretend to be happy so that I don't have to explain to DBF how upset I really am about not being pregnant. I don't want to make him feel guilty for not wanting kids right now. He hates to see me upset about anything and I don't want to upset him. Right now, I know that I'd upset him because I don't think I could talk about this with him without crying and that would just kill him.
So, I suppose it's time to plaster a smile on my face and act like I'm fine until I'm alone and then I can let myself feel this crushing sadness.
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